Insights:

What better month than February to talk about sex in marriage? That is what we will focus on in Insights during February.

When was the last time you and your spouse had a positive conversation about your sex life? If you are like most couples, you (1) have never had a positive conversation about sex or (2) cannot remember the last time you had that conversation. It seems that most couples' conversations about sex don’t go well and either end in an argument or frustration. 

Sex is one of the really special gifts that we have in marriage. Learning to talk about sex together in a way that strengthens and enhances your sex life in your marriage is one of the best things that you can do for your marriage.

So where do you start?  

First, frequency or quantity of sex. Most couples seem to bog down here. Getting on the same page with frequency is essential. It removes one of the biggest hurdles couples face when seeking a healthy sex life. How do you talk about frequency? 

When you begin to talk about frequency, don’t start with what is a normal sex life - start with defining what is normal for you two. That is really the only thing that matters. Comparison can really get us in trouble here. Every couple is unique, therefore what works for them as far as frequency is unique to them and their lives together. Remember you are not setting your normal for the rest of your marriage - only for this season. Stick with this conversation until you reach a solution that works for both of you. Be willing to compromise. Once you agree, try it for a month and then talk about it again. Is it working for you? If not, what needs to change?

Think about it this way, if you stop fighting over frequency, what could that do for your sex life?

Our new Awesome Marriage Sex Course is coming to Awesome Marriage University soon! Watch for our announcement!

Questions For You To Think About:

• When was the last time the two of you had a positive conversation about your sex life?

• What barrier(s) get in the way of having these conversations?

• What is your role in removing these barriers?

• Are you ready to have that conversation together about frequency?

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2 Minute Drill

Dr. Kim talks with Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage about emotional rationalization.

Quick Hits:

This Week’s Quote: Charles Barkley was born on February 20,1963. As a high school junior, Charles was 5 ft 10 inches and did not make the varsity team. As a senior he was 6 ft 4 in and led his team to the state semifinals, where he scored 26 points against Alabama’s most recruited high school player. An Auburn assistant coach was at the game and reported back to head coach Sonny Smith about "a fat guy... who can play like the wind." Barkley attended Auburn University playing basketball and majoring in business management.

• “I am not a role model…Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”

• “I don’t hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime.”

This Week’s Trivia Question:  How many dimples does an average golf ball have?

This Week’s Did You Know: Bubble wrap was originally invented as wallpaper. In 1957, Al Fielding and Swiss inventor Marc Chavannes invented bubble wrap while trying to create a textured wallpaper by sealing two shower curtains together to trap air bubbles.

Something To Talk About! Would you rather be an extra in an Oscar-winning movie or the lead in a box office bomb?

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Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: Lies That Keep You With Your Abuser with Dr. David E Clarke 

My good friend Dr. David Clarke joins me again as we talk about codependency in marriage.

AM YouTube Channel:   ”3 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage”

Trust issues can destroy a marriage. In this video we look at three things to do to build trust again.

AM YouVersion Plan: Lust vs Sexual Desire

In this three day plan, we look at the difference between lust and selfish desire and how to go from chains of lust to the freedom of sexual desire in your marriage.

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This Week’s Trivia Answer:

• 336

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Insights:

When was the last time you tried to change your spouse or tell them that they were wrong? When was the last time you did not want to deal with your spouse because they were so different from you?

Nancy and I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to change each other. Yes, we did that a lot more in the first years of our marriage, but it can still happen today. There are things that we do not agree on and there probably always will be. Today we handle these differences differently.

This is what we have learned:

• We have differences.

• God created us with differences.

• Those differences will either unite us or pull us apart.

With those three affirmations, our next step was trying to figure out how to let our differences connect us and grow our marriage. We realized that neither one of us had created space in our individual life for the other’s differences. Neither one of us was embracing the differences of the other. That needed to change.

Imagine your heart as the part of you that embraces or rejects your spouse. Sometimes we can close our heart to our spouse and build a wall around it. We focus on all the negative things about our spouse. Then there are times when we open our heart and focus on all the good things about our spouse. We stop looking at our spouse’s differences in a negative way, embrace them and create space for our spouse to be who God created them to be. When I create space in my heart for Nancy, I look at our differences in a different light. I can let her be who she is and not try to change her. I can focus on the positive in our differences and realize how boring our marriage would be if we were exactly alike.

Today with God’s help, I have created space for Nancy - not just the things I love about her but all of who she is. As we have both learned to do that, we both have experienced freedom. It is not our job to change or fix each other. That is the job of the Holy Spirit. Our job is to love and embrace and accept each other as the imperfect gift God has given us to do life with.

Questions For You To Think About:

• Today, is your heart open or closed to your spouse?

• Are you creating space in your heart for your spouse?

• Are you embracing every difference you see in your spouse?

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2 Minute Drill

In this short clip from my interview with John and Stacy Eldredge, they talk about how their past stories impacted the early years of their marriage.

Quick Hits:

This Week’s Quote: Steve Harvey was born on January 17, 1957 in West Virginia where his dad was a coal miner. As a child, Steve had a severe stuttering problem which he later overcame. Before turning to comedy as his career, Steve was a boxer, an autoworker, an insurance salesman, a carpet cleaner, and a mail carrier. In the 1980’s Steve was homeless for three years. With all of that in his background, Steve Harvey is known today as a comedian, a TV host, a producer and an actor. He has won many awards including being a 14 time winner of the NAACP Image Award.

• “Use adversity to your advantage. Don’t let it stop you.”

• “It never ceases to amaze me how much people talk about relationships, think about them, read about them, ask about them - even get in them without a clue how to move them forward.”

This Week’s Trivia Question: Which band wrote songs that also served as the theme songs for CSI, CSI: NY, and CSI: Miami respectively?

This Week’s Did You Know: Lobsters have clear blood. A lobster's shell changes color when exposed to heat and their blood is initially clear and turns blue when it hits oxygen.

Something To Talk About! Would you rather have 100 duck-sized elephants or 1 elephant-sized duck?

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Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: Do Christians Have To Stay Married No Matter What?

The Awesome Marriage Podcast is back with new episodes in the new year and we are starting by digging into a question we are often asked.

AM YouTube Channel:   “Boundaries To Help Restore Broken Trust” 

Rebuilding trust is difficult. Do healthy boundaries help?

AM YouVersion Plan: Marriage On Hold: Kids

This plan deals with a common problem. Where does our marriage fit when we are raising kids?  LifeChurch Pastor Tony Doland and his wife Natalie join me as we look at this issue. 

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This Week’s Trivia Answer:

• The Who!

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Insights:

What was your family of origin like? Would you describe it as healthy or unhealthy?  How did it affect who you are today? One thing that I see as I talk to people about their growing up years is that no matter how dysfunctional their family of origin was, they believed for a time that it was normal. What does that mean? Here are a couple of examples. John told me how often his parents fought.  Their fights were loud and often were physical.  Until he became friends with a boy in his neighborhood and spent time at that friend’s house, he thought all parents fought like his parents did. Christy grew up with an alcoholic dad and a mother that was very passive.  The message Christy received was that it is okay for a husband to be drunk and it is the wife's role to keep the family going. When we accept dysfunctional behavior as normal, we begin to believe a lie.  If we continue to carry that belief into marriage, we will repeat the same behaviors that we grew up with. It is normal to us. Fortunately, both John and Christy realized that there were cycles that had to be broken.  Those behaviors were not normal. If their marriages were to thrive changes had to happen.  Think again about your family of origin. Were there things that went on that were far from healthy that you accepted as normal? If your answer is yes, it’s time to break those cycles and free yourself from the bondage of those lies. 

Questions For You To Think About:

• Rate your family of origins health on a one to ten scale with ten being awesome.

• What lie or lies have you carried into your marriage?

• What is your next step of freeing yourself from the lie or lies?

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2 Minute Drill

“Does Being a Christian Mean You Have To Stay Together?”

Quick Hits:

This Week’s Quote: Jackie Robinson was the first African American to play in Major League Baseball. Jackie won the inaugural Rookie of the Year Award in 1947. He was an All-Star every year from 1949 to 1954. In 1949 he became the first black player to win the National League Most Valuable Player Award. In the movie “42,” Chadwick Boseman played the role of Jackie Robinson.

• "A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives."

• "There's not an American in this country free until every one of us is free."

This Week’s Trivia Question: What is the loudest animal on Earth?

This Week’s Did You Know: The average U.S. household has 300,000 things in it.  I’m not sure what to do with this fact but it certainly adds a different spin on “minimalism.”

Something To Talk About! Here’s one to think about: “Would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button on your life?”

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Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: Adam and Kristi’s Affair Recovery Story

The Awesome Marriage Podcast is back with new episodes in the new year! We’re kicking off with a couple telling their real marriage story.  “Adam and Kristi’s Affair Recovery Story” is both powerful and encouraging! 

AM YouTube Channel:  “How Often Do Most Couples Have Sex?”

I get asked this question a lot.  Here is my take on this popular question.

AM YouVersion Plan: 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage

This YouVersion plan is a synopsis of my book by the same name. Over 300,000 couples have completed this plan. My suggestion would be to do the reading plan and then read through the book together.

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This Week’s Trivia Answer:

• The Sperm Whale!

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